Habit to think "I want to die"
I don't know since when this is a habit of mine, i only realized it a few months ago. The habit consist of me simply thinking i want to die, or mumbles it in a whisper, or even thinking of ways to die. For example, i would mumble "I want to die" or "What if i am dead" or "死ぬ" or "死にますか...!" or something along that lines, or thinking to punch myself or just slipped from the stairs or get into motorcycle accidents, or something along that vein.
The reason i say this is a "habit" is because i don't even realize that i did this, it feels really easy to think about this, even though in actuality this is a heavy subject. The thing is, i don't only do this habit when something very heartbreaking happened to me, but also simple life inconveniences and when i feel a little down. I think about it even at the time i don't feel like i want to die.
You might be thinking it's not that serious as people say "I am dying" or something along the line when talking to others as a means to exaggerate things, but i said it to myself everyday, and i think that's the problem as i might actually think so in the future, so i am currently working for a way to stop this habit as mine. But it's really hard as i ended up realizing i have mumbled it to myself without thinking, and every time i spot myself whisper that to myself, i feel sad, and beating myself up for it.
I recently found a way to counter this. When i say "I want to die", before beating myself up for accidentally say it to myself, i will say "but..." and follow it with a happy thing that happened to me, and "so i won't die.". That happy thing doesn't need to be a big thing, it can be a simple things in life. "I want to die, but i made a friend today, so i won't die." "I want to die, but i completed my homework today, so i won't die." "I want to die, but my oshi streams today, so i won't die."
I think this is genius. Kill two birds with one stone, i will say. I will both stop saying "i want to die" and start focusing myself on the happy things in life.
Thank you for reading this little ramble of mine, feel free to comment what you think of this!